


Double-Date

by 3wisellamas



Category: Adventure Time
Genre: F/M, Gen, also I totally wrote Jake Jr as an older Louise Belcher and I’m not sorry, and more of Lemongrab and Finn being bros which I live for, the world really does need more fanfics with Lemongrab in them and I’m here to deliver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 07:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16300709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3wisellamas/pseuds/3wisellamas
Summary: A rather unusual double-date.  Literally written as a joke, so please don’t take it too seriously at all.





	Double-Date

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really dumb fic I wrote as a joke at some point after Normal Man aired. It’s also my favorite thing I’ve ever written. You’ll probably see why. Hey, now that Adventure Time is over, may as well post it even if it is a little outdated, right?

"So, you're sure they'll find me when they get here?"   
  
"Of course, sir, we'll show them to your table," the vaguely creampuff-like waiter assured Finn, who he was leading through a crowded dining floor.  He showed the boy to a two-top towards the center of the restaurant. And right next to Finn's table was...   
  
"Lemongrab!  Whoa, what are you doing here?"   
  
The Earl was seated at the next table over, anxiously scanning the menu.  He looked up in surprise at Finn's arrival, but immediately returned to his perusal.   
  
"Everything okay over there, dude?"  The waiter returned with two glasses of water, which he placed in front of Finn and the empty seat across the table.   
  
Lemongrab looked up again.  "Everything here is  _ seasoned _ ."   
  
Finn momentarily glanced over to the empty seat in front of Lemongrab as well.   
  
"Dude, I think you can ask if they can take it off."   
  
"Hm..."  Lemongrab finally lowered the menu back onto the table, his normally stern expression now a more relieved stern.   
  
Finn sipped his water, absentmindedly kicking the empty chair at his table.  "So, you didn't answer me. What's going on, man?"   
  
"I am on a date."  Lemongrab looked to his own empty chair, "They are ten minutes late."   
  
"Oh, that's great!"  Finn smiled, "I mean, not the ten minutes late part, that's kinda lame, but...wow.  You're actually getting in on the dating game, LG?"   
  
"Mmm...Yes."  Lemongrab squeezed what appeared to be his third lemon wedge into his water.  "I have indeed been dating. I needed a break from my former date, however, so I am trying someone new."   
  
"Whoa."  Finn wondered if he had to ask for the lemon wedges, or if he'd gotten stiffed by the waiter.  "What happened with your last date, dude?"   
  
Lemongrab paused at the uncomfortable memory.  "There was blanket food. It really stressed me out.  So we are taking a break."   
  
"Aw, lame."  Finn moved his table over to Lemongrab's, turning the two-tops into a four-top.  "Hey, let's double-date this! Might be a little easier to talk."   
  
"Double...date?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm here on one too."  Finn motioned towards the empty chairs across the table.  "I dunno who, though. Jake was wantin' to get me back into dating, so he set this up."   
  
"Hm.  Acceptable."   
  
"Oh, no, speaking of Jake..."  Finn slapped his hand over his mouth to contain his laughter as the waiter brought none other than the dog to their table.  Jake was shapeshifted to look as if he had shoulder-length hair, a dress, and a purse growing out of his hand, though the yellow fur clearly gave away his disguise.  He politely sat across from Finn, clearing his throat.   
  
"Jake, what are you doing."   
  
"Hi, I'm...uh..."  Jake was putting on a poor attempt at a falsetto, "not Jake, I'm...Samantha!"  'Samantha' adjusted 'her' hair as the purse morphed back into a hand.   
  
"Dude, I know it's you."  Finn chuckled into his water.  "I mean, I know what you're trying to do..."   
  
"Hey, I'm just lookin' out for you, Bro.  Keeping you from losing your datin' cred!"  Jake dropped the falsetto and looked at Lemongrab.  "What's he doin' here?"   
  
"We're double-dating this."   
  
The waiter interrupted them, bringing the fourth member of their party.   
  
"Jake Jr?!"   
  
"Hi guys!"  Jake Jr turned her chair around and sat in it backwards.  "Double date, cool. What's up, Dad?" She looked Jake over.  "Mom. And hello to you, CoolestEarl404."   
  
Lemongrab hummed nervously, fixated on the backwards chair.  "I am normally called Lemongrab."   
  
"Oh right, right.  You can call me Jake Jr if you want, but man, I'm actually getting kinda used to all my dates calling me OuttaThisWorld69..."   
  
Jake suddenly spit out his water.  "Sorry, I'm sorry. Don't mind me."   
  
"Oh relax, Dad.  I'm just joking!"  She held up the menu, glanced at it for all of three seconds, then slapped it back down.  "So, royalty, huh? Are we talking like, ruling someplace or just a distant relation?"   
  
"Mmmmm, I am the Earl of Lemongrab."  Lemongrab squeezed a fourth lemon wedge into his water, covertly shoving the bag of them back into his pocket.  "I rule the Earldom of Lemongrab."   
  
"Huh.  Interesting.  Never dated an active ruler before."   
  
"You better not have..."  Jake sneered under his breath.     
  
"So anyways, I'm THIRTY-"  She discreetly kicked Jake under the table, "-and am totally into philosophy and wine-tasting.  I think you listed those on your profile..."   
  
"Yes."  Lemongrab eased up slightly, his stern expression now a more relaxed stern.  "I greatly enjoy philosophical discussion."   
  
"Cool!  Hey, is that the waiter?  This is taking  _ forever _ to get our order."  Jake Jr turned around and waved him towards the table.   
  
"Oh man, yeah, I'm starving..."  Finn hadn't even bothered to look at his menu, distracted by the people at his table, and hurriedly perused it as the creampuff waiter returned.  He turned to Jake Jr.   
  
"Royalty first, dude,"  She responded, waving his attention towards Lemongrab.   
  
"I will have the rosemary parmesan chicken and potatoes.  No seasoning or cheese."   
  
"No...seasoning or cheese?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"On...rosemary parmesan chicken."   
  
"Or on the potatoes."   
  
Finn and Jake exchanged amused glances.  Jake in particular was stifling laughter.   
  
"Sir, we cannot serve you rosemary parmesan chicken without the rosemary or the parmesan.  Literally..."   
  
" _ Scrape it off. _ "  Lemongrab bared his teeth for a moment, but restrained himself.   
  
The waiter turned back to Jake Jr, resigned.  "And you, miss?"   
  
"Surprise me!  Oh, and if you're scraping off his cheese and stuff can I have it on the side?"   
  
The waiter moved to the other side of the table, now waiting for Finn's order.   
  
"Uh...you guys don't have any meatloaf, do you?"    
  
"No, sir, our dishes are listed in the menu."   
  
"Then, uh..."  Finn just closed his eyes and pointed at a random item.  "What's this...froy groy?"   
  
"The foie gras, sir?  It's seasoned goose liver."   
  
"Oh, gross.  I'll just have whatever JJ's having."  Jake Jr shot Finn a thumbs-up.   
  
"I'm good."  Jake just passed his menu to the waiter.  "Already ate before I came here."   
  
"You already ate?!"  Finn quickly gestured for the waiter to bring him another glass of water before he left.  "Dude, you don't eat before going on a date! That's not cool."   
  
"Nope.  But it is...unexpected!"  Jake sneered, "It's a little exercise to get you back your dating edge.  Now, what do you do when your date's not hungry and you've already ordered?"   
  
"...I dunno, man..."  Finn glanced back over to Lemongrab and Jake Jr, who had continued their philosophy discussion.   
  
"It is kinda scary to think about your own insignificance, but also a little...reassuring I guess?"  Lemongrab nodded, allowing Jake Jr to continue. "Like, it's nice knowing you don't  _ have _ to do everything in the world.  You can just...chill out, and not worry about stuff."   
  
"In many ways, yes.  But, one's own responsibilities must not be disregarded."  Lemongrab was on his sixth lemon wedge, his water basically unsweetened lemonade now.  "For significance may also be seen as relative."   
  
"Interesting.  Good point there.  Now, serious question, have you ever joined any cults?"   
  
"...Well, there was this one time..."  Lemongrab and Finn looked at each other, silently agreeing  _ not _ to elaborate on that incident.   
  
The waiter soon returned, with a plate of plain chicken and potatoes and two plates of foie gras, one of which had an inelegant pile of cheese and rosemary mush on the side.  He set the latter down in front of Jake Jr.   
  
"Ooh, jackpot!"  She folded the cheese mush into the rest of her food using a fork and ate it together.   
  
Finn looked queasily down at his plate.  "Uh...I guess the right thing to do is offer my food to my date?"   
  
Jake was unamused.  "Are you seriously trying to make your date eat your gross froy groy?"   
  
"No!  I just, uh, since you didn't have any...um..."   
  
Jake sighed.  "The right answer was to cancel your order and skip right to dessert, Bro."     
  
"Ugh, geez..."  Finn slapped his forehead.  "I don't think I'm gonna get back into this, Jake.  Thanks for trying though.   
  
"...So can we still do dessert?"   
  
"You two talkin' dessert over there?"  Jake Jr interrupted. "We totally should!  They have a really good lemon cream pie here..."   
  
Lemongrab hurriedly looked up from his meal.  "I will have pie."   
  
"It's settled then!"  Jake Jr shoved her empty plate aside and called the waiter back over.  "Lemon pie for the table!" It came soon enough, delivered alongside the checks.   
  
Jake pushed the bill over to Finn.  "Well?"   
  
"Um..."  Finn studied the amount.  "I...don't think I even have that much..."   
  
"Both tables will be charged to Mother Princess' tab!"  Lemongrab suddenly announced, passing the checks back to the waiter.     
  
"Whoa, thanks LG!"  Finn sighed in relief.   
  
"Heh, perks of royalty, huh?"  Jake Jr picked up her fork, then paused.  "Look...I gotta be honest with you, Lemongrab.  I literally only use dating sites to scam free dinner at these kinds of restaurants from desperate creepos."     
  
Jake's jaw dropped.  "You mean...this whole time you've been datin' creepos for free food?!"   
  
"Yeah, I have.  It's actually fun."  She laid down her fork.  "But, you're actually pretty cool.  I feel bad about stringing you along like this.  Plus, wow, my dad and uncle being right here made things  _ really _ awkward..."   
  
Lemongrab looked up from his already empty pie plate.  "The backwards chair was already a dealbreaker. There will be no second date."   
  
"Yeah, probably for the best.  I'll definitely keep in touch if you wanna do a philosophy jam though."  Jake Jr pushed her plate towards him. "Go ahead and take both pieces of pie.  I've got another dessert 'date' in half an hour anyway."   
  
As she got up to leave, Jake jumped up and snarled at his daughter, finally dropping the shapeshifted dress and hair.  "Oh no you don't! The heist thing I overlooked, but this is not the kinda stuff I want my kid doin’. I was trying to be a  _ good _ role model and keep you away from crime!  Even if it's not, uh, technically a crime?"   
  
"Heh, whoops."  Jake Jr shrugged.  "Hey, Dad, you wanna come with?  We're meeting at this place with  _ amazing _ ice cream sundaes, and I can sneak you one!"   
  
Jake glanced back at his pie.  "...Will it have whipped cream?"   
  
"I can do you one better.  Strawberry cheesecake sprinkles."   
  
"I'm in!"  Jake grabbed his pie and finished it off in one bite.  "Hey, sorry Finn, we'll ‘date’ again some other time."   
  
"No thank you."  Finn waved them off, then reseated himself right across from Lemongrab, who was starting on his second piece of pie.  "Man, this was so weird..."

“Yes,” Lemongrab replied.  He placed a few extra lemon wedges from his bag onto the pie.  "I will call LSP again upon returning home."   
  
"Yeah, probably a good idea."  Finn poked at his pie. "Is it any good?"   
  
Lemongrab was already finished once again.  "I have had better. The children make excellent lemon tarts."   
  
"Oh, nice!"  He too passed his pie to the Earl, who gladly accepted.  "We should totally do this again sometime, it was pretty fun.  Like, aside from the, uh, dating part."   
  
Lemongrab nodded, his stern expression now a genuine, tiny smile.  "Yes. Definitely again.”

 

\---

 

“What do you mean I have a $250 tab?  I’ve never even been to your restaurant!”  

Princess Bubblegum paused to listen to the candy person on the other side of her phone call, then slammed the receiver down in disgust.  “Peps,” she called out, “see what you can do about keeping Lemongrab from opening restaurant and bar tabs in my name again. This is the third time this month!”

“I’ll, uh, get on it right away, Princess!”


End file.
